Web Design Humor

All work and no play is no good for anyone...so we've included a few of our favorite web design funnies.  The scary part is they are so true....

(shamelessly stolen & adapted from 'If Architects'..http://www.scottmanning.com/archives/000455.php)

If Builders had to work like Web Designers . . .

January 7, 2004

Dear Mr. Builder,

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between thirty and seventy-five rooms. I will pay you $50 to get started, which should be more than adequate - after all, I have not even seen the plans for this house yet so don't know if I will like it.

If I am totally satisfied with the house after 2 years of living in it, I will pay you the remaining amount. Just make sure the plans are such that walls can be easily added or removed and all rooms have features such as fireplaces, dumbwaiters, built-in entertainment centers and the most expensive carpeting available. Install whatever carpet you like, then I will make the final decision of what I colors would like the carpet to be.

Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. On second thought, please combine the best features from all the configurations, after all, I am paying you quite well for this house. Also, make sure you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the kitchen floor vibrates when I walk across it, and the dog door isn't airtight).Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in.

I have budgeted $15,000 for this house, but expect a significant discount since this house must be located on a corner lot, giving the builder great exposure. I also have many friends that need a house that I will refer to you if I am happy with the house.

As you build, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of efficient features like aluminum siding, Pergo floors, slate shingles, and stainless steel appliances, but I do not want to pay extra for this. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Also, can you please put up several different types of siding so I can see which looks best with the avocado trim, removing it if I do not like the color. My wife prefers lilac siding. However, I am partial to pumpkin. Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. The floor plan must be intuitive and every room easy to find without direction. 

Be alerted, however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. I would expect that you can make the refrigerator blend perfectly into the ultra modern decor I have chosen.To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws.

My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since it will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes that I make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the equipment or building materials to construct the house. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house and get it well underway before I take a look.

Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be complete within 48 hours with the changes I request, and completely furnished (You will have to provide many of the furnishings. I will add items when I feel like it. I hope that will not be a problem).

Also, I do not as yet have a lot for the house.  Can you find me at least an acre for under $350 with the address 123 Snow Lane (we like the name and the numbers are easy to remember). I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool and 5 car garage on 200 acres. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. It should be attractive and maintenance free in sun, rain and snow. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. Also, I would expect that you will notify the US postal service, UPS, FedEx, and everyone in my address book as to where they can find my house as I don't feel this is something I should have to do since you are the builder and know the local streets better than I.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.  I'm sure it should take no more than an hour or two.

Sincerely,

Mr. Poo Bah

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As builder, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I also do not know how to read blueprints, so it is your responsibility to teach me this. Also, when I do a walk-through of the house I will inevitably find many things such as the fireplace that I would like moved to a different room. I hope this will not be a problem. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another builder.

PSS: My nephew says he can build this same house for under $1,000 so I'm not sure I need your services.

And You've all heard of Murphy's Laws....well these are the Web Design Laws:

  1. Computer problems will happen while in the middle of an important project and especially as you near the deadline.
  2. You will make the most errors on the pickiest client's website.
  3. If the phone rings the baby will cry, the dog will bark and the UPS man will come to the door.
  4. If the phone doesn't ring, the silence will be like a morturary.
  5. You need at least 3 computers so at least one will be working at all times.
  6. Never run a Windows update or Install software before starting work for the day, it will crash your computer and you'll spend all day fixing the problem instead of getting anything done.
  7. When you have a hot prospect and need to print a proposal, the printer will run out of ink.
  8. When the site is ready for approval, the client will go out of town for an extended vacation.
  9. If you add a link to a site, the linked site will go down, making the link obsolete.
  10. If you use CSS to build the site, the client will want it to look good in IE no matter what.
  11. Whatever scripting you use, you will spend hours finding a missing semi-colon in the first line of code.
  12. Changes will always take much longer than estimated. The quick fix is never quick.
  13. The hardest clients to deal with give you the least work - and expect it at slave wages.
  14. The nicest clients to work with give you the most work and never quibble about the price (you'd do handstands for these clients!).
  15. The site you wanted to do most for your portfolio is never finished due to lack of budget or client procrastination.
  16. You will get pigenholed in a category (underwater basket weaver websites) and no one will think you can do anything else.
  17. Your skills at Flash, eCommerce, Graphic Art, and Coding atrophy because everyone wants a static html site with tables and bad graphics.
  18. Working with a graphic artist that doesn't understand the web is worse than working with no graphic artist.
  19. Every potential client knows someone that can do it cheaper and better than you can.
  20. Web design is dominated by those who micro-manage what they do not understand.
  21. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  22. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
  23. The more cordial the client's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the contract.
  24. If the computer dies, and stops you from doing something, it will start working when you no longer need it or are in the middle of something else
  25. The more urgent the need for direction, the less likely you'll get an email back from the client
  26. Don't fix something that ain't broke - because you'll break it and still can't fix it
  27. Easy fixes are not
  28. No matter how complete and impressive your proposal, the job will go to the guy that will do it for two bucks.
  29. Most wifi failures happen when you are trying to show the client your Internet expertise.
  30. The prospect that says they love your work and will call back tomorrow after you've given them valuable information - won't.
  31. Creative inspiration is inversely proportional to the importance and rush nature of the project
  32. Brain Surgeons, Plumbers and Lawyers need training to do their jobs, but ANYONE with a computer can be a web designer. In fact, everyone's nephew does it.
  33. No matter how good the tech support, no one has ever heard of your problem.
  34. The only software available needed to complete the project won't install.
  35. The colors a client requests will look different on every monitor in the office and nothing like it did in print.
  36. If a graphic artist offers to provide you with art for his site, be assured it will take you 10 times longer to adapt and optimize it than if you created it yourself - and you probably won't be able to open the files anyway.
  37. The client's disk won't run on your equipment, and if it does, will contain unusable copyrighted images.
  38. If you purchase new equipment to read your clients disk, you will never receive another request - from anyone.
  39. Your Internet connection is most reliable when you have nothing to do.
  40. Same for your server.
  41. If you install a CMS on a client's website, they will be your best customer for monthly maintenance due to breaking the code.
  42. Your client will love your design, then proceed to change everything about it so it's unrecognizable.
  43. If a client requests blue and green for rollover gifs, the colors will ultimately be changed to tan and red.
  44. The client will ask for "simple" changes - the background color and all custom graphics.
  45. Computer crashes always happen when you are coding a complex project when you don't remember where you left off and haven't backed up in awhile.
  46. The only time FTP works is when it's overwriting the only good copy of a file you don't have.
  47. Clients who do not provide content up front will complain about the use of Lorem Ipsum or will ask why you did their site in Spanish.
  48. Everything has to be done immediately, deadlines are incredibly important UNLESS the client has to provide materials or approve work.
  49. Clients expect you to answer their emails instantaneously, however their replies to you will take months.
  50. The size of the website desired is inversely proportional to the size of website they're willing to pay for.
  51. 10% of your time is spent building the site, 90% is waiting for content.
  52. Clients that own Photoshop think they know how to use Photoshop.
  53. Clients that own Front Page think they are professional web designers.
  54. All clients are experts at knowing how long it should take you to do anything (even if you don't know yourself).
  55. The less time you have, the more your computer will slow down or crash.
  56. Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the machine you are showing your work on.
  57. If you have two versions of a photo, the ugliest one will make it's way into the website.
  58. You will be provided several possible photos and none will be useable.
  59. Or they will be so huge it will take weeks to download them in an email, and a monitor the size of Texas to optimize them.
  60. The sales staff will promise anything and the promises are not based on anything, like reality.
  61. There is no stock photo ever made that matches the image in your head.
  62. The best way to find errors in your code is to show the client a "new feature".
  63. Your best idea is already copyrighted.
  64. The client will ask you to be creative, then tell you they want a site EXACTLY like so-in-so's.
  65. If you ask for copy, they will send a jpg.  If you ask for images, they will send a power point presentation.
  66. If two designs are shown, a third will be requested.  If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.
  67. If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen or they will ask for a combination of the worst qualities of each.
  68. The hyperlink you forget is the first one the client will click.
  69. Global search and replace doesn't.
  70. Proof raeders are useless.
  71. Grammer checkers don't, either.
  72. Choose Good, Fast or Cheap - pick two since you can't have all three.
  73. If you bid a job as project, it will take 10 times longer than you estimated and amass pages you never dreamed of.
  74. The clients that can most afford your rates will complain the loudest.
  75. A client that knows exactly what he wants is worse than one that has no idea.
  76. If you build it for Internet Explorer, the client will have a Mac, if you build it for Mozilla, he will have Opera.
  77. Whatever your estimate, it will cost double due to additions the client hadn't thought he wanted and you didn't account for.
  78. Clients never pay to buy stock photography, he will just steal it off another site and give it to you.
  79. A client will ask for something "professional" and then proceed to inform you he wants every blinking, whizzing, whirring, twirling, boinking gif that exists - plus music.
  80. Most revisions will be requested after the site is "complete".
  81. All clients insist they will send you content immediately, none do.
  82. The smaller the website, the longer it will take to complete due to lack of sign offs and content.
  83. Clients do not "get it" that music copyrights must be purchased to be used.
  84. Clients don't care about accessibility or clean code, only that it's "pretty".
  85. It's YOUR fault they aren't #1 on Google and nothing is selling.
  86. It's your job to psychically create content.
  87. Because many web designers work from home means they don't need a living wage to pay their bills - like electric, gas, phone...
  88. And they don't need to be paid on time because "your business must be booming" with all the Internet sites out there (done by somebody else)
  89. Nobody ever refers you clients even though they love your work because they assume you are are "too busy" (even if you're twiddling your thumbs).  So they refer work to the college kid instead.
  90. Women geeks aren't taken seriously - they can't possibly know anything about computers, ASP, PHP or any of that other geekie stuff because they are women - even if they can break down and rebuild a computer in 20 minutes or program the Space Shuttle's trip to Mars....
  91. All clients think you work for the "recognition" because their finished site will get lots of traffic that will want to use your services, so you don't need money.

 

As for OUR clients, we truly love 'em! Now back to our regularly scheduled program...;-)